Weekend jokes

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said:"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist! "

An old woman came into her doctors office : An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do? "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week. "Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself? ". "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing. "

There was a costume party at a mental hospital... : There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war ". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb. " He gets his applause and steps down. The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb. " Again, there's applause and he steps down. And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite. " Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was? "

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.

In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell? "

They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.

"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?”

"The same exact thing," the guard answered.

"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell? “

"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks! "