Have a Happy Weekend!

An offender was brought to trial before a judge.

The judge asked him; What is the crime you have committed?

The offender said; I went shopping too early during the New Year.

The judge said; This is not a crime! Is there a mistake; perhaps? So how early did you go shopping?

He answered; The shop was not yet open for business; and I was already inside.

A patient said to his doctor; Doc; please give me something that will stimulate me; excite me; and put me in a; very; very highly stimulated spirit; a fighting; excited spirit.

So the doctor said; Don`t worry; take this; and after you see the bill; you will have all these feelings.

A father of five children came home with a toy; summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present.

Who is the most obedient ; never talks back to Mother and does everything he or she is told? He inquired.

There was silence; and then a chorus of voices: You play with it; Daddy!

Judge: I don`t understand why you broke into the same store three nights in a row.

Prisoner: Well; Your Honor; I picked out a dress for my wife; and I had to change it twice because she didn`t like the style.

One night a hotel caught fire; and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes.

Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.

Before I came out; said one; I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People don`t think of money when they`re afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire; the fire burns it. So I took all the bills that I could find. No one will be poorer because I took them.

You don`t know my work; said the other.

What is your work?I`m a policeman.

Oh! cried the first man. He thought quickly and said; and do you know my work?

No; said the policeman.

I`m a writer. I`m always telling stories about things that never happened.

What`s your name?A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.

He had never seen them before;so he began:My name is Stone; and I`m even harder than stone;so do what I tell you or there`ll be trouble. Don`t try any tricks with me; and then we`ll get on well together.

Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.

Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly; he said; and don`t forget to call me `sir`.

Each soldier told him his name; until he came to the last one.

This man remained silent; and so Captain Stone shouted at him; When I ask you a question; answer it!

I`ll ask you again: What`s you name; soldier?

The soldier was very unhappy; but at last he replied.

My name is Stonebreaker; sir. He said nervously.